37 and a half to life

Today, my only son enters his teens. Just yesterday he was a baby, now he's a young man!  We named him Justice because we needed some in our lives. The day I came home from the hospital with him I received a call from my husband. He was going on the draft (being moved) because he would be going in front of the clemency board. Clemency... what? I didn't even know he'd put in for clemency, and neither did he. His mother had written a letter to the governor and that's how he got on the list.  I knew that he was excited but there was also urgency in his voice. Usually, people have months to prepare for clemency. He would need letters of recommendation and other documents to prove his worthiness. I sprung into action, calling people to write letters.  Once he was gone to Sing Sing, where he would see the board, I had time to process the grandeur of this opportunity. I imagined him coming home within months, just in time to help raise our son. I was elated when a parole offic...

Ever felt like everyone is passing you by? You begin to wonder, "Am I moving too slow, or are others moving too fast?" That's the way I feel right now in my professional life. I have been in Education since the 1990s and have more recently been in a leadership role for the last four years. I love working in my city and with our kids. I can honestly say that children are easy, I just don't understand adults very much. So, here's my frustration... Like any other human being, I seek to grow. I have applied and interviewed for over 20 positions in the last four years looking for new professional opportunities.  I have been rejected over and over again. Here I am, in the slow lane on the walkway of life, seeing so many of my colleagues move forward. This is not to say that I'm not happy for them, I am, I just feel left behind. Like the only person who didn't get asked to the prom, haha. I am thankful for where I am, for my school, and for my job, that is for su...

 With all of the insanity that continues to overcome our nation, no... our planet, today I choose to write about me. I know, it may sound selfish but I needed to escape for just a few minutes and tell a short story about a promise I broke.  It was July 10, 2020, aka, my birthday. Daughter #1 wanted to do something special for me. She decided to treat me to a salon visit, begging me to get a cute, shorter style. "Cut my hair?," I said, "but I made a promise that I wouldn't cut it until your dad got home! " She insisted and I agreed to "just a trim."  Salon visit day came, my daughter asked, "Ma, so what haircut are you gonna get?" I responded, "A trim, remember?" She didn't like my answer, she wanted a whole different me coming home that day. I understood, what daughter doesn't want to beautify her mother?  I put on my mask, walked into the salon and was greeted by the owner, who would be my stylist (salons were open at very ...

2020 came in with a vengeance. My native Puerto Rico began experiencing earthquakes, it had been about 100 years since any such significant quakes had taken place, people were suddenly displaced from their homes, and afraid to sleep indoors, camped outside to feel safe. Then, only three months into the year, what seemed like the entire world just paused. COVID19 (a virus likened to the 1918 Flu ) was threatening our very existence, killing many overseas, the death-toll raising here too. Schools closed, businesses closed, churches closed, everything closed (except grocery stores and hospitals). Distance learning became the new buzzword in education. Social Distancing part of our vocabulary. "Don't wear a mask, wear a mask,  test only if you have symptoms, everyone should get tested, worry only if you are old, anyone can die, antibodies means your'e safe, not so fast!" I'll stay home, thank you...  let me know when it's safe! In the meantime, my college s...

Everyone is feeling it right now. COVID 19 has taken over our lives and no one has been spared. This pandemic has catapulted the entire world into strange times. This invisible enemy, as many have called it, doesn't discriminate and is among us, making some deathly ill and barely affecting others' health. It may be inside me at this very moment and I don't even know it. That's what makes it so scary, so nerve-wrecking. So all we have to do is stay home. Those of us who don't have to take care of the sick or work at a grocery store or provide any other essential service... we help by staying home. I am working from my laptop; attending and running meetings online. All of the attendees sit in their own square, reminiscent of the Brady Bunch opening , it's kind of comical. I also get to facilitate the home or distance learning that my kids are engaged in. All of them (2nd, 5th, 12th and Sophomore in college) work on their devices and attend classes in the s...

The dictionary defines 'false hopes' as confident feelings about something that might not be true. I can bet that nearly everyone has experienced false hopes at some point of their life. As I reflect on the last 26 years, there have been many moments of hope that later turned out to be false. From the moment my husband was arrested, knowing that everything would be OK and he would be released. But he hasn't come home, yet. In 2005, the Rockefeller  Reform gave hope to a lot of inmates. Many became eligible for re-sentencing under the new guidelines. Some were fortunate enough to go home. My husband held out hope that this would be instrumental in his return. He drafted out his own motion, a lawyer was hired to represent him and when his time came, he received a time cut. From having 25- life he now was to serve 20 years flat on the drug conviction. When he was re-sentenced, the judge made no mention of his consecutive sentences. So, for the next 4 years or so, we hop...

Have you ever taken your kids to the playground only to have THAT kid show up? The one that always makes some other kid cry within five minutes of his arrival? The one that made you cringe when you found out he was in your daughter's first grade class? The one teachers pray he'll stay home... just ONCE!? We have all met THAT kid. Some of us have been THAT kid. Well... I'm his mom! Some call him spirited, others energetic, active, full of life... he needs to burn energy, yes. It started when he was 6 months old; he let out a shriek unlike anything I had ever heard before. As he got older, he was perceived to be 'aggressive' towards his peers. As an observer, I think he had a hard time with spatial awareness... he was clumsy and impatient so he would push his way through (the playground, a line, etc.). I was so hurt and embarrassed to hear other parents complain about THAT kid, that I started taking him to the playground when I knew it would be empty or close ...

Last night my eldest daughter called me, and with excitement, announced that she had run into a friend who, in her words, was "well connected." She sounded like her eight year old self whenever she learned something that really peaked her interest and filled her with curiosity- she couldn't stop talking! "Mami, this guy has dinner with Judges and Federal Prosecutors, he says he can help us, that all it takes is money and Papi can be home... he can come home, like tomorrow!!!" I listened to the high pitched sounds of my daughter's hopeful speech but I could not bring myself to share her sentiment. She sounded amazed to find out that all it takes is money, "you're preaching to the choir," was my thought, but I let her continue. She talked about privilege and that, for once, we may have a connection with someone who has it and can use it to help us. OK, so she has a point... but is it too late? My first thought is, I have no money. I have ex...

Last night I heard from my eldest daughter that she experienced trauma from growing up with an incarcerated father. That she doesn't like going to see him because it is painful for her. I had never heard this before. Ever. It made me feel sad. And like a bad mother. Did I make a mistake in exposing my child to prison life?  I began to think about the experiences we had, the two of us. First, I thought about the fact that I was 20 years old when this journey began. My daughter was 9 months old. We were suddenly abandoned, left to navigate life on our own (without Daddy). As time passed and my daughter got older, prison became her playground. She had the biggest personality in the room, always. When we would visit my husband, almost every inmate would say hello to her. She would manage to end up with candy, chips, and other treats that were given to her as she visited and greeted people around the visiting room. Back then, the rules were not as strict as they are today. My daught...

Friday was a good day! I went to work and it was an unusually busy day. There were events taking place throughout the day, the students had lots of energy and excitement was in the air. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought it was a full moon! At two o'clock, we had a special visitor.  Congresswoman Louise Slaughter  (who I greatly admire for being a voice for my community) came to our school to read a special book. With her was the President of our School Board, Author and Civil Rights Attorney,  Van White , who wrote a book titled  Heroes . The Congresswoman would be reading the book to a group of fourth graders from the Boys' Academy. Among those students were the kids that have been participating in the LINKS Program . The book spoke about the heroes in our lives, everyday people that can make a difference. It also gave examples of what is NOT a hero... good point. The kids loved it. As the Congresswoman read to the children, they asked questio...

My daughter is turning 25 years old today. She should be happy, bursting with joy as her life is just beginning. She married a beautiful young man, who adores her. She is well educated and has a good job (though it comes with its share of frustrations). She is healthy and she is safe. But she is missing something. She had to grow up without being able to talk to her daddy whenever she needed a listening ear (other than my own). I can only imagine the pain she felt whenever she needed a daddy hug, the kind only he can give! But like a plant that grows in a room with only one window, she sought the light and she grew, in fact, she thrived. Raising her wasn't easy though. You see, this peppy girl; high school cheerleader, popular, with friends galore, would sometimes get really angry, at other times very depressed. She would cry sometimes and wouldn't tell me why she was sad. At other times she was happier than a dog with two tails! She was talkative and excitable. As a litt...

I can't wait til Friday. I can't wait 'til summer. I can't wait for school to start. I can't wait for vacation... it seems like we spend our lives waiting for something. When I was pregnant I would count the days until my next doctor's appointment because I'd get to hear my baby's heartbeat and it also meant that I was closer to meeting him or her. Once that baby was born I couldn't wait to lose the baby weight (which never seemed to want to leave me) and get to wear 'normal' clothes again. I couldn't wait to hear the baby say ma-ma and take those first steps. And so on and so forth. I hardly got to reflect on what just took place because I was already thinking about what was to come. Writing down my experiences has forced me to look back and to think about what has occurred and to process what is happening in my life as I am waiting. The waiting for me is the background of my life. As I am moving forward or standing still, no matter ...

A couple of weekends ago, my youngest two children and I went to visit my husband. On that Saturday morning, I woke up at 3:30 am in hopes of having everything ready for our trip. I packed not one, but TWO pair of shoes for the diva, bathing suits for the pool at the hotel (kids need to have fun), meds, snacks, electronics, IDs, cash, etc. I got myself ready and, coffee in hand, headed out with the sleepy-eyed kids. We made the 5+ hour drive. Once we arrived, we sat in the hospitality center (a dingy, portable room, posing as a welcome center/waiting room). It was full of people waiting to see their loved ones. We were number 63 so we would be waiting for at least another hour to be let in. Thankfully, the kids were able to entertain themselves with my phone (they have lockers to secure personal items before entering the facility). When our number was finally called, I gathered our items; money for the machines, IDs, pictures to show my husband, then locked up my phone and car keys. ...

For the past decade or so I have been thinking about how I might turn this experience into action. There has always been something keeping me from being able to give more of myself to anything other than my family. Between sports and other extracurricular activities my evenings have been pretty busy. Throw in prison visits and other weekend commitments and that left me no time for anything else. Then, five years ago, our surprise baby made her debut. It was the middle of October of 2012 and she was the cutest little thing! Everyone loved her right away. And even though she was unexpected she was not unwanted, she completed our family. So, big brother (who was still only two years old himself) was thrilled with the addition and life was pretty good. Then, five weeks later, our world changed when he was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. It was the worst time of my life. Even worse than when my husband lost his freedom. This diagnosis sucked the joy out of me and I was suddenly drown...