Feeling Left behind

Ever felt like everyone is passing you by? You begin to wonder, "Am I moving too slow, or are others moving too fast?" That's the way I feel right now in my professional life. I have been in Education since the 1990s and have more recently been in a leadership role for the last four years. I love working in my city and with our kids. I can honestly say that children are easy, I just don't understand adults very much. So, here's my frustration... Like any other human being, I seek to grow. I have applied and interviewed for over 20 positions in the last four years looking for new professional opportunities.  I have been rejected over and over again. Here I am, in the slow lane on the walkway of life, seeing so many of my colleagues move forward.

This is not to say that I'm not happy for them, I am, I just feel left behind. Like the only person who didn't get asked to the prom, haha. I am thankful for where I am, for my school, and for my job, that is for sure. It's just disappointing to constantly get rejected, it begins to mess with my self-esteem. Maybe I'm not good enough, don't know enough, am not hardworking enough? Am I too old, too Puerto Rican, too experienced, too inexperienced, too loud, too passionate? I wish someone would tell me so I can work on myself. 

Frankly, I shouldn't be feeling this way. I just can't help it and I don't like it. I keep hearing negative self-talk in my mind and it's taking a toll on me. Today I'll try something different- I'm going to think about the positive things in my life... I have a great job, a good salary, am working on my doctorate, have raised two college graduates (soon to be three), everyone at home is healthy, have two sweet dogs and a goofy kitty, and I just bought a new car... it's so pretty! Oh, and of course... my husband comes home in 10 months!!! 

I am truly blessed, but why is my spirit so unsettled?  

I know that there's a calling that I must answer. The research I'm doing for my dissertation is surrounding Children of Incarcerated Parents and trauma-informed practices. My experience tells me that schools are sorely unaware and poorly equipped to deal with these children. That's why I want to bring light to this issue. I know in my heart that this is what I would love to do, to educate others about the stigma of incarceration and its impact on children/families. My path is blurry though, I'm anxious to get to work, and my patience is being tested. I must overcome my restlessness. 

So, I will continue to take deep breaths, keep looking at the positives because they outweigh the negatives, and carry on!