37 and a half to life

2020 came in with a vengeance. My native Puerto Rico began experiencing earthquakes, it had been about 100 years since any such significant quakes had taken place, people were suddenly displaced from their homes, and afraid to sleep indoors, camped outside to feel safe. Then, only three months into the year, what seemed like the entire world just paused. COVID19 (a virus likened to the 1918 Flu ) was threatening our very existence, killing many overseas, the death-toll raising here too. Schools closed, businesses closed, churches closed, everything closed (except grocery stores and hospitals). Distance learning became the new buzzword in education. Social Distancing part of our vocabulary. "Don't wear a mask, wear a mask,  test only if you have symptoms, everyone should get tested, worry only if you are old, anyone can die, antibodies means your'e safe, not so fast!" I'll stay home, thank you...  let me know when it's safe! In the meantime, my college s...

When I began writing about my experience, my husband asked, "what about me?" "What about you?" I replied. He then admitted that he wanted to be "featured" on some of the posts. I told him I had shared some of his poems, but he wanted to write in a more direct way. It is very difficult for him to put his experiences into writing sometimes. How can you process something while it's still happening? Still, he wants others to know...  So a few days ago he put the following in the mail. He calls it "We Rise Above The Clouds of Deception" Meaning: We have learned to take our pain and turn it into the fuel we will need to move forward in securing a strong and positive foundation for our links to the future (children). This can only be accomplished by internalizing life lessons and blessings. They prepare us for upcoming trials and tribulations and give us a clear perception of the truth. So we see people and things for what they are and not for wha...

In recent years I have heard these words come out of my husband's mouth, "you, know I'm damaged, right?" he'll say. I know exactly what he means. He's not the same person he was 24 years ago and not always for the better. He is conscious of the toll prison has had on him both physically and emotionally. When we are on a visit, his eyes are often scanning the room. He is very aware of the environment, noticing things I never would have. If he senses that I'm getting annoyed, he'll apologize and explain that it's about survival. Then he wonders what life at home will be like. I have always said that we will need help, professional help. For many years he declared that nothing was wrong with him and therefore nothing needed fixing and he would not be participating in any head shrinking of any sort! I always stood by my opinion... we are going to need help. Since he has been 'noticing' that he is 'damaged' he has been open to talking ...

A week ago, I had the pleasure of meeting a man named Joseph Heath , one of the lawyers that worked for many, many years to help some of the victims of the Attica Uprising. Recently, a book called Blood in the Water  written by Dr. Heather Ann Thompson , was released. It deals with the uprising, cover-up, charges and lawsuits that followed. As part of a series on the Attica Uprising, Mr. Heath was giving a presentation at SUNY Geneseo and I was invited by my good friend and faculty member, Michael Oberg . I was humbled and honored to be among so many intelligent and dedicated people, including the students, who represent our future. My hope for them is that they will learn from the past and not repeat the mistakes of their fathers and grandfathers. It was breathtaking to see them hang on to Mr. Heath's every word, as he spoke about the horrors of the uprising; the torture the inmates endured, even showing us pictures of swollen, bloody faces. I couldn't help but to think abo...

Today is Wednesday. The last time I spoke with my husband was last Thursday. My 'wifey' senses were tingling. Something was not right. Last time we spoke he told me that Ben Stiller and his crew were in town, filming a movie based on the infamous escape. The prison was put on lock down and as a reward, everyone was given ice cream. "They treat us like kids," he complained. "But you still ate the ice cream?" I asked in my smart aleck voice. "Of course!" he replied. And that was that. I was hoping maybe that movie was still being filmed, but knowing better than that, I made a phone call. A snarky sounding man asked me for his information and then replied "Well, he got himself a ticket and lost telephone and other privileges for 15 days, that's why you haven't heard from him!" I asked if he could still get visits and he said yes. I breathed a sigh of relief; I had just booked a hotel so I can go see him 10 days from now. I thanked ...

Most people in NY State (and many around the country) are familiar with the Attica Uprising of 1971.   Although I wasn't even born yet when it happened, I remember hearing about this horrible place called Attica when I was a teenager. Years later I would be visiting said place, with just a vague idea of what actually happened there decades prior. My husband, being inside, heard all about how it happened. It was like a folk tale being told and re-told among the inmates. He has never shared with me everything he knows about the events. As a general rule, there is a lot he doesn't tell me. I imagine that he's trying to spare me the worry that would follow if I knew too much. But I know enough. Attica, 2012 I was 8 months pregnant What I can say about Attica, from my personal experience, is that visiting was a pain, pretty much like everywhere else. The officers that processed the visitors were usually unpleasant and I have many memories of them being quite rude to me- ...

School is back in session. In preparing myself for a new school year I reflected on my experiences as a Prison Wife. I alphabetized my list, please feel free to come up with more words in the comments section. A Absence- Your loved one is not here, he is absent but not gone. Advocate- prepare to speak for him. Calling the facility and sometimes Albany to make sure he is safe and being treated fairly. Anger-  At an unfair system, at him, for putting you through this, at yourself, because you choose to stay and suffer. Attorney- If you can afford it, hire one! B Blessings- Count them any chance you get. They are everywhere you just need to recognize them. C Caring - The only way to get through the tough times. Children - The innocent victims of incarceration. We must nurture them and teach them so that they may not continue the cycle. Crazy- Many people will question your sanity. I am here to reassure you that you are sane, promise! D Dedication- Day in and day...

The Black Lives Matter movement that has emerged as a result of police brutality against black and brown people is nothing new to many. The small world we live in, thanks to the internet and the media, has brought this reality to those who have lived oblivious to the situation until now. Racism is real. My husband has had to endure it his whole life, but more so during his time in prison. I have never had the misfortune of being judged by the color of my skin. I am very 'pale' (as my seven year old likes to say). I have never been racially profiled or followed in a store because most strangers think I'm Italian or Greek, never Puerto Rican... that is, until they hear me speak. I am proud to correct them and furthermore to announce to the world that I am a Black Woman; my ancestors were African, Taino (native) and Spaniard (European). We are one people, and as such, I feel the pain that plagues us when we are discriminated against. Our sons and fathers are dying regardles...