Helpless

Today I feel helpless. I know, I should be used to this; being married to a man who is incarcerated, who doesn't have a say over many of his own actions and decisions, frustrating as it is, you never do. 

This is a new level and the worry is overwhelming. You see, I haven't spoken with my husband in three days, not unusual, but what makes this different is, the last time I spoke with him he was very sick. He was coughing, had shortness of breath and hadn't been able to sleep due to feeling so unwell. I had been urging him to put in for a sick call for days and he kept telling me no. "I'll just work out and be fine!" but I told him that we're in the middle of a pandemic, please get seen. Even my sister, who is a medical professional, gave him marching orders to get medical attention, he declined.

Finally, last night (Saturday), I called the facility to see if they would tell me if he was OK. Perhaps he was in the infirmary or had been quarantined. I also needed to know if I would be able to visit him today. I called and asked for the Watch Commander. The officer who answered wouldn't put me through but agreed to tell me if my husband was "in the facility" but that was it. After some typing and audible hmmm's he finally said, "he's in an outside hospital, that's all I can tell you. Call on Monday and speak with his counselor for more information." I thanked him and hung up. Not entirely surprised, I was unsure if the news were good or bad. My sister said it was good because he's getting the best care, but why am I so scared? Of course, my mind goes to the darkest of places, over 237,000 people have succumbed to COVID-19. Could he have it, too? 

I posted on one of the Prison Wives groups on Facebook for guidance. I texted his lawyer, she writes me back and jumps into action. She calls the facility and has me call back, this time the Watch Commander politely gives me the name of the hospital where my husband is. Then we called the hospital to see about getting him to sign a HIPAA form so I may get updates on his condition. But we run into roadblocks. She tells me that we will deal with this, she's done it before. I am grateful for her.

I spent the entire night with my husband on my mind. Putting out healing thoughts for him. I don't know what he's going through right now, I do know that his will to come home is on his mind, encouraging him to get better. I also know that while I may feel helpless, he never has. I admire him for that.